Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
