Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
