like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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