I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
