he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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