Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
