We're facebook friends in real life
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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