I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
