you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
