I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
