I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i came on her dog
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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