I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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