Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
