did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
