Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
no you cant smoke seaweed
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
