Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
