Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Drunk is not a location!
You've changed since you got that strap on
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
