Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
