Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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