all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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