i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
