I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
