I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it penis luge time yet?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
