Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
