Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
