Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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