I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
