Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
