i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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