the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
