remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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