So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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