Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
