You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
