Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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