She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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