Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
