I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
