if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
