I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
