Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
This baby is an asshole
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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