AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
