i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
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