I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
