i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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