Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
