In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
