I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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