I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
