The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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